May 4, 2014

Random Thoughts...


"Boss" the Cat
I don't know why I do this blogging stuff. I can't devote enough time to it. I'm too tired in the evenings to think straight or coherent enough to have anything worthwhile to say that will affect anyone or anything, let alone write about it.

I don't know why I'm still here - alone, at times unsettled, missing  (name redacted) and my kids. I don't know why am I not off somewhere with a new hausfrau who loves? me for what I am, not what she expects me to be. And I can revel in my carnal desires to lie next to a warm body once again.

I don't know why I lost focus in my marriage. I don't know why she lost focus. I don't know why we both became so selfish with each other. I don't know why we didn't seek counseling sooner. I don't know why she never wanted to at all.

I don't know why I'm so intermittent with my Confession schedule and why I don't follow the Google Calendar schedule that pops up repeatedly in my emails that I myself set up.

I don't know why my cat wants in and out so often and at other times will come in and sleep the day away. And why I can't do the same.

I don't know why I'm still partial to Romantic Comedies when I have no one to watch them with.

I don't know why I still watch Romantic Comedies with divorcees even if they have a happy ending, because I know its wrong to marry a divorcee and why be happy about that.

I don't know why I watch Christmas movies outside of Christmas.

 I don't know why (name redacted) is so singularly aggressive in trying to move to Texas and separate me from my kids and cut my visitation time in half the moment she does move.

I don't know why she even remarried since she is adamant she won't move without all the kids in tow to her current husband's Texas home, thereby denying herself to himself even though they are married and haven't yet lived together for more than a long weekend once or twice a month.

I don't know why she and I have not been able to bridge the blame game gap (crap?) that has kept the animosity between us ripe and enduring.

I don't know how or why she can't see our marital woes was a shared burden and not mine alone and stop denying culpability.

I don't know how she can call me pompous, egotistical and Pharisaical when all I am doing is defending our children and my Father's right's, most all of which can be sourced and documented and what can't falls under Catholic Moral teaching.

I don't know why I still Love the woman despite the above - unrequited though it is.

I don't know how I can say that I Love Our Lady when I have been so dismissive of Her in the recent past and know can't live without Her - or Her Son.

I don't know why I don't go to more High Masses.

I don't know how the Court will rule in June concerning her move and child custody, but I know how I want it to rule and yet can't hope for it because its presumption on Divine Providence and I don't need added worry anyway.

I don't know why I'm so disappointed that Kensi and Deek's romantic relationship got axed on NCIS-LA, though I know its wrong to have a relationship outside of marriage.

 I don't know why Dinozzo and Ziva couldn't openly share their Love for each other until the final episode before she left NCIS.

I don't know why the modern Catholic Church is the way it is.

I don't know why the Catholic Church wants to confirm sin by allowing divorced and re-marrieds to receive Holy Communion, thereby destroying two-thirds of the goods of marriage.

I don't know how the Church can think Vatican II is precious to behold when it has been the cause of so much confusion, chaos and independent thought by Popes, Bishops, Priests and Laity.

I don't know how the Church can teach Divorce a grave error and yet promote civil divorce as a requirement before annulment proceedings can begin.

I don't know why the Bishops don't enforce the Reconciliation Canon's concerning marriage and actively promote the healing of marriages, instead of actively promoting their destruction - and by extension the families that those marriages produce.

I don't know why the letter from the Tribunal Office always starts off with "...your former spouse...",  when that spouse is not "former" until a valid annulment makes them so.

I don't know why there is not a weekly Mass for the Married in every Church in every diocese throughout the world.

I don't know why the local Parish Priest doesn't work to heal a troubled marriage when a Petitioner seeking annulment is setting before him.

I don't know how Tribunals can so efficiently dismiss the effects of their actions on children that are an integral part of most annulments.

I don't know how how a spouse, priest or Bishop can forget the words of Our Lord "...But he that shall scandalize one of these little ones that believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone should be hanged about his neck, and that he should be drowned in the depth of the sea..." whenever any of them actively promote the modern divorce culture. 

I don't know why Our Lord hasn't turned His back on me when I have offended Him so. 

I don't know why I never told my Mother "I Love You" every day, and why it took her Death to drive that point home. 

I don't know why I never told (name redacted) the same thing 25-dozen times a day, like she wanted me to. 

I don't know why she never did the same to me and for the same reason. 

I don't know why I didn't do the same thing with our kids. 

But mostly, I don't know why I have been granted Peace of Soul despite all the above. 


Copyright 2014 David Heath - All Rights Reserved

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